one month married!

a month ago to date i married my husband. its been pure newywedded bliss since & i'm soaking it all in. thankful. beyond grateful & incredibly blessed.  what will stay etched forever in my memory during this time in our lives is that extra squeeze in our hugs as we hold on to each other a little tighter. i'll never forget the extra tenderness in the words we express to one another & how proudly we both say "husband" or "wife."

everyone has different fairy tales they envision in their lives. ever since i was a little girl mine was my career. i put myself through college & sacrificed greatly for this.  it's been a difficult reality to face that my "happy ending" has not yet come. things don't go exactly as planned no matter how much i prepared. as always, in gods eyes, my timeline is not my lifes plan. hard work doesn't always guarantee the goal i had envisioned would come into fruition. even if its years of dedication. its been a struggle to accept that. i am still working on it. i have to keep putting in work. everyday, i remind myself that gods delays arent his denials.

the past 3 years have been a difficult one. i hit rock bottom. i felt depression like i've never known. i found myself in dark corners & endless pitfalls. god truly humbled & open eyes to realize i cannot do it alone. it is through my weakness that he is slowly strengthening me. it is through casting all my fears & leaning on god that i have learned how much i should depend on him. if theirs on dependable person in this world who won't fail me, it is god.

my husband saw me at my lowest. he wiped away every aching tear. always reassured me i'd have a place to go to. bought me groceries & made sure i ate. held me tightly when i didn't want to get out of bed. he has been such a huge support system & i found myself slowly asking for help. you see, when you've been accustomed to doing things on your own for a very long time its not easy asking for help. it made me feel stupid. i felt foolish. sometimes ashamed. i constantly beat myself up for not being able to provide for myself like i use too. i felt unworthy. still, i was loved despite not loving myself enough.

i truly believe god has his reasons to open certain doors. he also has his reasons to keep certain ones closed. even when i struggle to believe the latter because of my emotions, it doesn't change the fact of "according to gods plan." in his time & only he knows his reasons. in my quest to become an licensed registered nurse & land my first job, he opened the door to a fairy tale i didn't think would happen until years (2-3 years according to my life timeline) later. i was so fixated in my dream fairy tale of a career coming true that i didn't even see the proposal coming. what i didn't see coming turned out to be this huge blessing enveloping me in love. my husband teaches me about self kindness. a gift he reminds me to give myself.

i can't even begin to describe what an incredible journey being engaged was for me, let alone put into words the abundance of pure joy & overwhelming happiness i felt on our wedding day. up until that day on december 7,  i had never felt so much hope & faith not only in love but in life! it gave me a renewed sense of courage that i can tackle what life brings me firstly with god by my side & now an incredible man i get to call my husband!

their are times where i still feel pain in my heart & things are still unresolved but their is also love. a lot of love. an abundantly overflowing love that will only grow stronger, atleast i hope, over the years. love conquers & it is much more powerful than any pain or brokenness we experience in this world.

sometimes, in the middle of an ordinary life god gives you a fairy tale & the things happens not in accordance to your own timeline turn out be the biggest blessings. my husband is my biggest blessing & i'm infinitely grateful.

hello & farewell

a little over a week later, im still feeling quite jet lagged. bed time is in between the hours of 6(am)-8(am) instead of 10(pm)-11(pm). the hubby & i, when we do sleep early, wake up at random hours in the wee morning & their goes our efforts to sleep at a decent time. 

laundry has yet to be folded, were only half way unpacked, things need to go to storage or donation, grocery & meal planning need to commence & none or barely half of it has been done. 

as soon we arrived back from our honeymoon our main priority was spending time with my parents before they were off. my tito & tita hosted a small dinner at their house as both a welcome to the newlyweds & farewell to the retirees.

tito chris made the delicious duck, brussels sprouts, & the dacquoise..oh that chocolate espresso dacquoise it was beyond divine! crispy layers of almond & hazelnut meringue sandwiched in buttercream. it was gone in less than 10 minutes & had all of us wanting more! 

lola's visit

a few years has passed since her death & its been seven years since i last saw her. yesterday night i dreamt of her. she was in the intensive care unit of the hospital i worked for. she wasnt expected to make it but fortunately days later she was able to transfer to a lower level acuity unit, into the medical surgical floor. my favorite unit that i most prefer to float to. i asked my favorite charge nurse if somehow she can assign my favorite nurse to care for my lola. after kindly requesting those arrangements i stopped by lola's room to spend some time with her before going home to change. 

i greeted her with my usual kiss on her cheek. she was in great spirits & said in simple perfect english "i'll be ok, dont worry so much" & then said with conviction as her eyes looked at me intently "you will be ok." these were the only words she said to me as i sat beside her, felt her love radiate through me, & kissed her hand & cheek before i left to shower & change. 

i came back shortly & found her room empty. the nurse told me she went home.

most of my thoughts throughout the day has been trying to decipher if that dream meant anything. there was a period in time where it was to be decided if my mom & her sisters were going to pull the plug on her so she can finally rest & go home. was her being in the intensive care unit only to recover by transfering to the medical surgical floor a direct reflection of her health during the last few years of her life? it was. whats the meaning (if there is one) of my dream? could she somehow be trying to tell me something? or perhaps its just my subconscious manifesting..

whatever it was i was happy to see her again. the color in her face returned & she was no longer pale. her eyes were so full of life. she was beaming. lola held my hand firmly & spoke to me with such certainty in her voice. those two sentences means a lot to me, given our communication when i last saw her wasnt much, since i lost my ability to speak my native tongue nor was lola able to speak english.

i missed her face. i miss the sense of protection she always shielded me with. she was my refuge from spankings. she gave me extra money so that i could buy more of my favorite candy at the nearest tsiange. im sure she also spared me from potential spankings by rescuing me away from my mom as i loudly protested & rebelled against nap time. i would always lay on her lap & she would tickle my forehead until i fell asleep. 

i never slept though my dream to find out what "going home" meant. if she went back home to our house by the hospital we use to live near or if she finally found peace & rest with god. but im glad i got to feel her presence. 

i miss her being next to me. i miss her love. i miss her terribly. 


though the dream was fleeting, what ill always have are the memories to look back on that fills me with so much joy.

lola, i miss you more than you will ever know. thank you for loving me.