godly friendships

my cravings for closer godly friendships surfaced when i experienced community with those from my bible study group. i had been attending for years but it wasn't until i put effort into sharing my vulnerabilities that i began to see the importance of surrounding myself with other believers.

being intentional with friendships that mattered is something i place on my priority list, most especially with girlfriends. their is a sense of accountability that is unique when god is at the center of the bond. it challenges you, encourages you, & moves you out of your comfort zone according to his word.

while i feel it is important to have deep, authentic, meaningful friendships regardless of who is at the core of our beliefs, more & more i find myself desiring godly friendships & community. god answered my prayers when he reunited me with an old elementary school friend who i kept in touch with during junior high but lost contact with in our high school & our college years. social media re-connected us. we bonded over our love for crafts. one day we had a sweet reunion when i visited her in SF. we both came to know that we were no longer active in the catholic faith of our childhood upbringing but rekindled our love for jesus within the christian faith.  just a few months later i found out i was pregnant & she has been such a source of wisdom & guidance for me during my pregnancy. during the month i juggled 2 jobs & was to tired to go home, she let me take naps at her house. she sent me off with crackers to keep nausea at bay on my commute's home. she's a wealth of advice about what i "really" need as far as mommy gear. she encourages me when i have doubts if i will be a wonderful mother. she reminds me of god's calling. its a friendship that draws me closer to him & keeps me connected with god. i'm thankful for my answered prayer.

hello! its been awhile..

theirs been much excitement between my husband & i as we are expecting our firstborn child. however, this week i was filled with doubt & anxiety. will i be enough as a new mother. is my knowledge about jesus adequate enough to raise up a child that we hope to be disciple of christ? aside from the normal parental worries, that question has been lingering on my mind. what a gift & true blessing god has entrusted us with & we want to make sure we raise up our first born in a way that honors him. 

i stumbled upon this verse as i was reading up on mommy blogs. 

" and i am sure of those, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of jesus christ." philippians 1:6

it brought me peace as i wrestle with feelings of motherhood in this new season in my life. god put this sweet reminder of hope as we await the arrival of our firstborn child. he put me on this journey & called me to the vocation of marriage & motherhood & he will always be my side. 

for you, my god

i don't want to live a lackluster, lackadaisical, uninspired christian life. may the worldy view of success continue to dim in comparison to the deep, life altering, & unchanging view of sucess & love according to god. i want to live a life that matters to his kingdom. 

heart check

she spoke life giving words & prayed for me during seasons of extreme discouragement. she left a life restlenses & financial comfort to seek gods calling through an intensive 9 month christian centered mentoring & leadership training. what a true inspiration! she's become my mentor & im so thankful god made our paths cross. im thankful for this spiritual relationship that allows me to grow stronger in god's word. 

since coming back from her training, we have our almost weekly dates. sometimes we meet for coffee. sometimes we take nature walks. we check in with one another, pray over each other, & have "heart checks." is our heart aligned with our god given purpose? how's our heart feeling today & how can we better serve each other as sisters in christ? she blesses my heart. 

not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, & all the more as you see the day drawing near.   hebrews 10:25

15, october

Jesus Calling | 15, October


"TRY TO STAY CONSCIOUS OF ME as you go step by step through this day. My Presence with you is both a promise and a protection. My final statement just before I ascended into heaven was: Surely I am with you always. That promise was for all of My followers, without exception.
The promise of My Presence is a powerful protection. As you journey through your life, there are numerous pitfalls along the way. Many voices clamor for your attention, enticing you to go their way. A few steps away from your true path are pits of self-pity and despair, plateaus of pride and self-will. If you take your eyes off Me and follow another's way, you are in grave danger. Even well-meaning friends can lead you astray if you let them usurp My place in your life. The way to stay on the path of Life is to keep your focus on Me. Awareness of My Presence is your best protection."

Matthew 28:20; Hebrews 12:1-2

---

Lord God, 

During this season of awareness, help me learn to be still & listen. I am tempted to busy my schedule to avoid your voice because listening sometimes means dealing with with the darkness, self condemnation, self pity, despair, & these hard truths you are opening my eyes to. Help me to remember you are my place of rest. You are my protection.

staying in scripture

im having a really hard time staying consistent, daily, with being in the scripture. i would do it for a few days consecutively then miss a few days. pick back up then fall off my daily schedule. im feeling discouraged so i researched what has helped other women stay focused in filling their lives with HIS truth & with the glorious life-giving words of the bible. 

ive come up with a few guidelines & ideas that i may implement during my daily quest to seek god. 

1) heading to work a few minutes early to  read in my car

2) set my alarm to remind myself to learn & memorize verses

3) find an app or podcast that i can hear the bible being read. great for excercising or when walking iggy 

4) schedule weekly reading plan on my planner

5) have an accountability partner that checks in on you or sends encouraging verses throughout the day

6) decorate home with scripture that ill see throughout the day

september scripture challenge

i'm participating in my first bible study challenge. every morning id write in my prayer journal whatever is in my heart..sorta like a conversation with god. however, i find myself going on & on, sometimes thanking jesus sometimes ranting with no direction. i found kristin schmuckers september scripture challenge through a hashtag via instagram & thought what a wonderful opportunity to read the bible with direction. to be more disciplined & intentional every morning drawing nearer to christ. 

im in day 2 of the reading galations so i thought id share my thoughts.

no one can please god by simply obeying the law. so we put our faith in christ jesus & god accepted us because of our faith. galations 2:16

i have died but christ lives in me. & i now live by faith in the son of god, who loved me & gave his life for me. i don't turn my back on god's undeserved kindness. it we can be acceptable to god by obeying the law, it was useless for christ to die. galations 2:20-21

i grew up in strict practicing catholic home, praying the rosary every saturdays, bible school every sundays, & also attending a private catholic school. while everyones experience is different, later on in life i felt as if i were operating on auto pilot not really knowing christ as i should have given my up bringing. i followed both cultural and catholic mores. it became about the do's & dont's. the should's & should not's. the good & bad. the guilt when i didn't do what i suppose to. the praise when i felt like i earned gods love because i did something right. their was a point in my life where i wanted nothing to do with organized religion. 8 years ago my best friend invited me to a christian church & my life has change since then. i no longer operate on auto pilot rather i seek relational union with christ. i put my faith in jesus christ & him alone. 

i'm thankful for this path he is leading me to. for his guidance & blessings. for his unconditional & undeserved love wether i do something right or wrong. 

hello!

my 100 happy days has somehow made it's way onto the pages of my prayer journal instead of this blog like it initially started. i haven't had the interest to take photos to go along with it but ive kept on documenting an attitude of gratitude somewhere private instead. 

ive often thought about this blog & how id love for it to be a space where i pour my heart out with honest vulnerability. but that's scary. since i was a young girl i loved writing words on paper about life, my thoughts, & my feelings. i have many paper journals to account for this. i think there's a part of us that longs to share our story, for memories sake..even if our only audience is the one who is writing their own life's story. so ive been pouring out my feelings & experiences on paper where i need not worry about being judged or silenced. it's been therapeutic & freeing. 

my blog has been quiet for almost 3 months now. ive been spending some much needed quiet time with god. prayerfully asking him for discernment about what it looks like to lead a life of courage. 2014 has been full of quiet alone time & solitude, reconciling with myself, digging deeper in my faith so i can become who God designed to be.

much to often when im presented with challenges or when i don't know the answer i retreat to myself. not wanting to come out of my shell until ive "figured it out." but if theirs anything ive learned about this walk with christ..it's the importance of sharing. i have been blessed by words of encouragement & personal testimony that has tremendously transformed my heart & mind but ive done very little in the sharing aspect. it's taken years of being in bible study & small groups but it's only recently that ive begun to share & to expose a heart that is sometimes uncertain & distrustful of my own creator but hopes to love & grow through christ more daily. 

day 7 | 100 happy days

the hubby & i showed up to easter service at church a bit earlier than usual since ive been volunteering the last 2 weeks. it really has been so wonderful to see new faces at church & faces whom i haven't seen in awhile. today, on easter christ rose from the dead! to truly feel the depth of gods love for us brings me to tears. i get so emotional at times thinking about it. for god so loved the world, that he sent his one & only son to die for us. 

after easter sunday service we had brunch with everyone at church then ran a few errands. bbq-ed dinner & dined al fresco. 

god, thank you for you for loving us. help me to desire to know you better, so that i may keep you at the forefront of all that i do. thank you for the food on our table. 

saved by his grace

feelings tucked away, thoughts in my mind, & questions of which i have no answers for..they all really seem to hit me all at once. at a much more deeper level during that time of the month. it feels more intense. call it pms but during this time i don't sleep at the time i usually do because i'm haunted by these emotional thoughts that somehow land on my twitter. tonight it's here on my blog.

after having deactivated my facebook account for 3 years, i logged on tonight to get more information  about church that i wasn't able to find through the website. my pastor emailed me about the hubby & i volunteering to help support & set up at our new location this coming sunday. after quickly gathering the information i browsed through mutual friends between my pastor & i. a list popped up of old friends i met through the college ministry & women's bible study i was a part of in my early twenties. i was suddenly transported back to when i began my walk with christ through first presbyterian church at berkeley. i clicked on the profiles of the women i use to gather with on an almost weekly basis. it was safe place for me to ask questions, wrestle thoughts of my belief, confusion, & disbelief. it was a supportive environment that helped me grow towards leading a christ centered life. 

prior to logging on facebook i was feeling rather down. i felt a bit sad at how some things in my life hadn't changed. i was bogged down by self pity, self loathe, & lots of disappointment. 

when i clicked on the profiles of these women that i had lost touch with, it was apparent their lives had moved forward in the sense of getting married, having children, being engaged, or attending graduate school. then it occurred to me that my life wasn't as stagnant as i thought. one big & very worthy change that has happened since those days of attending college ministry every wednesday nights & women's bible study every thursday nights was my love & dedication to jesus christ. it has grown immensely over the years. my walk with christ started from being baptized & raised in a catholic upbringing until high school. then i strayed. i went from not being sure about what i believed in anymore, to researching & participating in other religious events to see if it resonated with me, to attending first presbyterian church at berkeley to wrestle with the questions in my heart about religion, spirituality, & where it belonged in my life. 

over the years ive made it a priority to attend church on sundays, attend bible study, & read his word or daily devotionals to sustain & grow me. like most christians, while i still wrestle with questions & gods purpose & plan for me, i am very much proactive in building a closer relationship with christ. their is so much richness because my heart has been opened to receive jesus christ as my savior. this is one aspect in my life that i can truly say has changed & its changed me for the better. 

in my early twenties i wasn't even sure if i wanted to believe. now, i'm in my thirties embracing my savior. im not as stagnant as i think. 

friday night

the bff & i had a faith filled friday night at the launch of the dare to be event. hearts were lifted, hundreds of women raising their light, & daring to believe they we were made to shine from & through gods love & his purpose. a friday well spent! 

one month married!

a month ago to date i married my husband. its been pure newywedded bliss since & i'm soaking it all in. thankful. beyond grateful & incredibly blessed.  what will stay etched forever in my memory during this time in our lives is that extra squeeze in our hugs as we hold on to each other a little tighter. i'll never forget the extra tenderness in the words we express to one another & how proudly we both say "husband" or "wife."

everyone has different fairy tales they envision in their lives. ever since i was a little girl mine was my career. i put myself through college & sacrificed greatly for this.  it's been a difficult reality to face that my "happy ending" has not yet come. things don't go exactly as planned no matter how much i prepared. as always, in gods eyes, my timeline is not my lifes plan. hard work doesn't always guarantee the goal i had envisioned would come into fruition. even if its years of dedication. its been a struggle to accept that. i am still working on it. i have to keep putting in work. everyday, i remind myself that gods delays arent his denials.

the past 3 years have been a difficult one. i hit rock bottom. i felt depression like i've never known. i found myself in dark corners & endless pitfalls. god truly humbled & open eyes to realize i cannot do it alone. it is through my weakness that he is slowly strengthening me. it is through casting all my fears & leaning on god that i have learned how much i should depend on him. if theirs on dependable person in this world who won't fail me, it is god.

my husband saw me at my lowest. he wiped away every aching tear. always reassured me i'd have a place to go to. bought me groceries & made sure i ate. held me tightly when i didn't want to get out of bed. he has been such a huge support system & i found myself slowly asking for help. you see, when you've been accustomed to doing things on your own for a very long time its not easy asking for help. it made me feel stupid. i felt foolish. sometimes ashamed. i constantly beat myself up for not being able to provide for myself like i use too. i felt unworthy. still, i was loved despite not loving myself enough.

i truly believe god has his reasons to open certain doors. he also has his reasons to keep certain ones closed. even when i struggle to believe the latter because of my emotions, it doesn't change the fact of "according to gods plan." in his time & only he knows his reasons. in my quest to become an licensed registered nurse & land my first job, he opened the door to a fairy tale i didn't think would happen until years (2-3 years according to my life timeline) later. i was so fixated in my dream fairy tale of a career coming true that i didn't even see the proposal coming. what i didn't see coming turned out to be this huge blessing enveloping me in love. my husband teaches me about self kindness. a gift he reminds me to give myself.

i can't even begin to describe what an incredible journey being engaged was for me, let alone put into words the abundance of pure joy & overwhelming happiness i felt on our wedding day. up until that day on december 7,  i had never felt so much hope & faith not only in love but in life! it gave me a renewed sense of courage that i can tackle what life brings me firstly with god by my side & now an incredible man i get to call my husband!

their are times where i still feel pain in my heart & things are still unresolved but their is also love. a lot of love. an abundantly overflowing love that will only grow stronger, atleast i hope, over the years. love conquers & it is much more powerful than any pain or brokenness we experience in this world.

sometimes, in the middle of an ordinary life god gives you a fairy tale & the things happens not in accordance to your own timeline turn out be the biggest blessings. my husband is my biggest blessing & i'm infinitely grateful.

praise god!

today the hubby & i attended our first sunday service of this new year. how fitting that the topic was about "newlyweds." when i am in the presence of people sharing their vulnerable truths i am always so touched & humbled by their bravery to tell their story.

the pastor recalled a story of when he was a newlywed 35 years ago. he shared his anxieties about the role of being a husband in his twenties, with financial struggles, & a baby on the way. we even chuckled when he admitted "i wanted to return my pregnant wife to my father in law. i was so worried about not knowing how to figure all of it out." we left with the affirmation of gods continued prescence in our lives. the sermon, so fitting, of where i am in my life was gift. 

my hopes are that we grow stronger over the years & work hard to keep god as the center in our marriage. 

Trust

fearing what may be, trusting the lord with all my heart, & surrendering everything to him & his will is something that ive continuously struggled with. upon a closer look, what christian has this perfect all the time? at one time or another we all feel & struggle with these things. ive always strived to be as independent as i possibly could, careful not to depend on anyone else 100%..so that everything was in my control or atleast it seemed that way. truth is their is only so much i can control. the more i give my life to god the happier i am. im finding myself slowly letting go of these ridiculous standards i set for myself.

his love

God's love is...

a source of healing
a ray of hope
a place for comfort
a gift of grace
a powerful reminder of true unconditional love

Feed Me Well & Nourish My Soul

i woke up early to start my day, most of which, consisted with a lot of time by myself. much needed me time was a must as i needed to replenish my attitude towards work. the past two days have been dreadfully stressful that i found myself feeling bitter & extremely frustrated. no matter how hard the work place can be i try to always remain thankful to the fact that in today's tough economy i even have a job. however, these past two days have proved to be so stressful that gratitude was buried amongst the bitterness. thankfully, i was able to get back to that feeling of gratitude with some quiet time & girl nights in.

also, my spirit is in need of nourishment. i realize just how equally important as is nourishing our physical bodies. when negative feelings easily evade my mind instead of positivity & hope, i know i must stay faithful & diligent in my daily devotionals & prayer.

blocked understanding

i confess that what i want from jesus sometimes blinds me to
what i need from him and what he longs to teach me. i get repeatedly impatient & wonder if he hears me. i pray for him to remove my blindness and gently correct me so that i can know and live his truth & not mine.

ever lasting

god was intentional when he made all pleasurable things (food, sex, material possessions, money, & even life itself) temporal. to show that he alone, satisfies forever.

i pray for stronger willpower to always keep him at the very center of my life in all that i do.

loving yourself

i am learning to love the woman god created me to be. they say you are own worst critic & i believe this to be true. i am my harshest critic & often beat myself up plenty of times, even in the most trivial things that i know i can only have so much control over. the critical parts that continues to be hard on myself yearns to be met with same amount of love, kindness, & acceptance i show my loved ones. im a work in progress.