Me Time

happiness on this saturday night is a good book with the candles lit snuggled underneath a warm blanket.

Happy 4th Of July

my fourth of July as told by pictures from instagram!

photos

thought id share some instagram photos.

frenchie friday

getting up is so much harder when my love bug snuggles next to me. i have a plentiful supply of kisses & cuddles just for iggy.

blocked understanding

i confess that what i want from jesus sometimes blinds me to
what i need from him and what he longs to teach me. i get repeatedly impatient & wonder if he hears me. i pray for him to remove my blindness and gently correct me so that i can know and live his truth & not mine.

Just Be

how can we ever be
who we are to become
if we can't be
who we are now

lola's visit

a few years has passed since her death & its been seven years since i last saw her. yesterday night i dreamt of her. she was in the intensive care unit of the hospital i worked for. she wasnt expected to make it but fortunately days later she was able to transfer to a lower level acuity unit, into the medical surgical floor. my favorite unit that i most prefer to float to. i asked my favorite charge nurse if somehow she can assign my favorite nurse to care for my lola. after kindly requesting those arrangements i stopped by lola's room to spend some time with her before going home to change. 

i greeted her with my usual kiss on her cheek. she was in great spirits & said in simple perfect english "i'll be ok, dont worry so much" & then said with conviction as her eyes looked at me intently "you will be ok." these were the only words she said to me as i sat beside her, felt her love radiate through me, & kissed her hand & cheek before i left to shower & change. 

i came back shortly & found her room empty. the nurse told me she went home.

most of my thoughts throughout the day has been trying to decipher if that dream meant anything. there was a period in time where it was to be decided if my mom & her sisters were going to pull the plug on her so she can finally rest & go home. was her being in the intensive care unit only to recover by transfering to the medical surgical floor a direct reflection of her health during the last few years of her life? it was. whats the meaning (if there is one) of my dream? could she somehow be trying to tell me something? or perhaps its just my subconscious manifesting..

whatever it was i was happy to see her again. the color in her face returned & she was no longer pale. her eyes were so full of life. she was beaming. lola held my hand firmly & spoke to me with such certainty in her voice. those two sentences means a lot to me, given our communication when i last saw her wasnt much, since i lost my ability to speak my native tongue nor was lola able to speak english.

i missed her face. i miss the sense of protection she always shielded me with. she was my refuge from spankings. she gave me extra money so that i could buy more of my favorite candy at the nearest tsiange. im sure she also spared me from potential spankings by rescuing me away from my mom as i loudly protested & rebelled against nap time. i would always lay on her lap & she would tickle my forehead until i fell asleep. 

i never slept though my dream to find out what "going home" meant. if she went back home to our house by the hospital we use to live near or if she finally found peace & rest with god. but im glad i got to feel her presence. 

i miss her being next to me. i miss her love. i miss her terribly. 


though the dream was fleeting, what ill always have are the memories to look back on that fills me with so much joy.

lola, i miss you more than you will ever know. thank you for loving me.