lola's visit

a few years has passed since her death & its been seven years since i last saw her. yesterday night i dreamt of her. she was in the intensive care unit of the hospital i worked for. she wasnt expected to make it but fortunately days later she was able to transfer to a lower level acuity unit, into the medical surgical floor. my favorite unit that i most prefer to float to. i asked my favorite charge nurse if somehow she can assign my favorite nurse to care for my lola. after kindly requesting those arrangements i stopped by lola's room to spend some time with her before going home to change. 

i greeted her with my usual kiss on her cheek. she was in great spirits & said in simple perfect english "i'll be ok, dont worry so much" & then said with conviction as her eyes looked at me intently "you will be ok." these were the only words she said to me as i sat beside her, felt her love radiate through me, & kissed her hand & cheek before i left to shower & change. 

i came back shortly & found her room empty. the nurse told me she went home.

most of my thoughts throughout the day has been trying to decipher if that dream meant anything. there was a period in time where it was to be decided if my mom & her sisters were going to pull the plug on her so she can finally rest & go home. was her being in the intensive care unit only to recover by transfering to the medical surgical floor a direct reflection of her health during the last few years of her life? it was. whats the meaning (if there is one) of my dream? could she somehow be trying to tell me something? or perhaps its just my subconscious manifesting..

whatever it was i was happy to see her again. the color in her face returned & she was no longer pale. her eyes were so full of life. she was beaming. lola held my hand firmly & spoke to me with such certainty in her voice. those two sentences means a lot to me, given our communication when i last saw her wasnt much, since i lost my ability to speak my native tongue nor was lola able to speak english.

i missed her face. i miss the sense of protection she always shielded me with. she was my refuge from spankings. she gave me extra money so that i could buy more of my favorite candy at the nearest tsiange. im sure she also spared me from potential spankings by rescuing me away from my mom as i loudly protested & rebelled against nap time. i would always lay on her lap & she would tickle my forehead until i fell asleep. 

i never slept though my dream to find out what "going home" meant. if she went back home to our house by the hospital we use to live near or if she finally found peace & rest with god. but im glad i got to feel her presence. 

i miss her being next to me. i miss her love. i miss her terribly. 


though the dream was fleeting, what ill always have are the memories to look back on that fills me with so much joy.

lola, i miss you more than you will ever know. thank you for loving me.

life lessons of a 27 yr. old

theirs a part of me that has to let go.
the wiser, self-improved, & better me is waiting on the other end.
im ready to meet her.

ever lasting

god was intentional when he made all pleasurable things (food, sex, material possessions, money, & even life itself) temporal. to show that he alone, satisfies forever.

i pray for stronger willpower to always keep him at the very center of my life in all that i do.

the choice of marriage

in our twenties we are still young. people who choose to wait until after their twenties to get married do so because we now have the option to wait. many have chosen to save marriage for later. to focus on careers. to travel. to have the freedom to do as we please when we please. i respect this choice.

in our twenties we are still young. people who choose to get married do so because they want to, not because they are forced to. i respect this choice as well.

in our twenties we are still young. some are just trying to figure out if marriage is even a choice they want to make. i also respect the choice in weighing out our options to carefully consider what's truly right for our own life path.

holy guacamole

theirs just something about the slowness of sundays that make leisurely trips to the grocery store much more sweeter. i had a sudden craving for guacamole & making it fresh is the best way to go.

loving yourself

i am learning to love the woman god created me to be. they say you are own worst critic & i believe this to be true. i am my harshest critic & often beat myself up plenty of times, even in the most trivial things that i know i can only have so much control over. the critical parts that continues to be hard on myself yearns to be met with same amount of love, kindness, & acceptance i show my loved ones. im a work in progress.

holding hands & handbags

yesterday i went with a friend to hold her hand & offer moral support as she finally did what she was slightly nervous about over the past week or so. on the way out i noticed a thrift store right across the street & asked if we could make a very quick stop before heading home. to my luck i came across a purse that ive been wanting but keep passing up every time i see the hefty price tags. i love older/used things. older houses, older cars, used books, used & older purses, & vintage handbags!

fashion friday

ive been on the everlane website browsing for the past several minutes & ive fallen in love with their philosophy. they've cut the middle men out which provides consumers the opportunity to own luxurious basic pieces for a 1/3 of the price. im all about basic pieces as a key staple in anyones ward robe & some are offered at less than $30. im also a huge fan of luxurious fabrics at the fraction of the cost, especially if i intend to get some mileage on the wear, and everlane seems to be a wonderful compromise. the v-necks are $15! what i am curious about, as its an important factor (for me) when considering purchasing clothes, is how it will hold up after several washes. im no longer this carefree teenager nor am i in my early 20's wearing a clothing item once, only to not be worn again. i love most of my clothes to carry through trends & transition throughout the seasons. my love for basic pieces started several years ago when i found myself shopping for solid colored key staples instead of cute patterns that i easily get sick of after one wear. since then creating a timeless wardrobe with a conscious and financially literate approach is important to me. over the years have evolved into a practical shopper & i like to carefully & mindfully choose what i purchase.