everyone has different fairy tales they envision in their lives. ever since i was a little girl mine was my career. i put myself through college & sacrificed greatly for this. it's been a difficult reality to face that my "happy ending" has not yet come. things don't go exactly as planned no matter how much i prepared. as always, in gods eyes, my timeline is not my lifes plan. hard work doesn't always guarantee the goal i had envisioned would come into fruition. even if its years of dedication. its been a struggle to accept that. i am still working on it. i have to keep putting in work. everyday, i remind myself that gods delays arent his denials.
the past 3 years have been a difficult one. i hit rock bottom. i felt depression like i've never known. i found myself in dark corners & endless pitfalls. god truly humbled & open eyes to realize i cannot do it alone. it is through my weakness that he is slowly strengthening me. it is through casting all my fears & leaning on god that i have learned how much i should depend on him. if theirs on dependable person in this world who won't fail me, it is god.
my husband saw me at my lowest. he wiped away every aching tear. always reassured me i'd have a place to go to. bought me groceries & made sure i ate. held me tightly when i didn't want to get out of bed. he has been such a huge support system & i found myself slowly asking for help. you see, when you've been accustomed to doing things on your own for a very long time its not easy asking for help. it made me feel stupid. i felt foolish. sometimes ashamed. i constantly beat myself up for not being able to provide for myself like i use too. i felt unworthy. still, i was loved despite not loving myself enough.
i truly believe god has his reasons to open certain doors. he also has his reasons to keep certain ones closed. even when i struggle to believe the latter because of my emotions, it doesn't change the fact of "according to gods plan." in his time & only he knows his reasons. in my quest to become an licensed registered nurse & land my first job, he opened the door to a fairy tale i didn't think would happen until years (2-3 years according to my life timeline) later. i was so fixated in my dream fairy tale of a career coming true that i didn't even see the proposal coming. what i didn't see coming turned out to be this huge blessing enveloping me in love. my husband teaches me about self kindness. a gift he reminds me to give myself.
i can't even begin to describe what an incredible journey being engaged was for me, let alone put into words the abundance of pure joy & overwhelming happiness i felt on our wedding day. up until that day on december 7, i had never felt so much hope & faith not only in love but in life! it gave me a renewed sense of courage that i can tackle what life brings me firstly with god by my side & now an incredible man i get to call my husband!
their are times where i still feel pain in my heart & things are still unresolved but their is also love. a lot of love. an abundantly overflowing love that will only grow stronger, atleast i hope, over the years. love conquers & it is much more powerful than any pain or brokenness we experience in this world.
sometimes, in the middle of an ordinary life god gives you a fairy tale & the things happens not in accordance to your own timeline turn out be the biggest blessings. my husband is my biggest blessing & i'm infinitely grateful.
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