saved by his grace

feelings tucked away, thoughts in my mind, & questions of which i have no answers for..they all really seem to hit me all at once. at a much more deeper level during that time of the month. it feels more intense. call it pms but during this time i don't sleep at the time i usually do because i'm haunted by these emotional thoughts that somehow land on my twitter. tonight it's here on my blog.

after having deactivated my facebook account for 3 years, i logged on tonight to get more information  about church that i wasn't able to find through the website. my pastor emailed me about the hubby & i volunteering to help support & set up at our new location this coming sunday. after quickly gathering the information i browsed through mutual friends between my pastor & i. a list popped up of old friends i met through the college ministry & women's bible study i was a part of in my early twenties. i was suddenly transported back to when i began my walk with christ through first presbyterian church at berkeley. i clicked on the profiles of the women i use to gather with on an almost weekly basis. it was safe place for me to ask questions, wrestle thoughts of my belief, confusion, & disbelief. it was a supportive environment that helped me grow towards leading a christ centered life. 

prior to logging on facebook i was feeling rather down. i felt a bit sad at how some things in my life hadn't changed. i was bogged down by self pity, self loathe, & lots of disappointment. 

when i clicked on the profiles of these women that i had lost touch with, it was apparent their lives had moved forward in the sense of getting married, having children, being engaged, or attending graduate school. then it occurred to me that my life wasn't as stagnant as i thought. one big & very worthy change that has happened since those days of attending college ministry every wednesday nights & women's bible study every thursday nights was my love & dedication to jesus christ. it has grown immensely over the years. my walk with christ started from being baptized & raised in a catholic upbringing until high school. then i strayed. i went from not being sure about what i believed in anymore, to researching & participating in other religious events to see if it resonated with me, to attending first presbyterian church at berkeley to wrestle with the questions in my heart about religion, spirituality, & where it belonged in my life. 

over the years ive made it a priority to attend church on sundays, attend bible study, & read his word or daily devotionals to sustain & grow me. like most christians, while i still wrestle with questions & gods purpose & plan for me, i am very much proactive in building a closer relationship with christ. their is so much richness because my heart has been opened to receive jesus christ as my savior. this is one aspect in my life that i can truly say has changed & its changed me for the better. 

in my early twenties i wasn't even sure if i wanted to believe. now, i'm in my thirties embracing my savior. im not as stagnant as i think.